One cannot really escape love, specially when it hurts.

Just recently, my ex-boyfriend called me via phone. He told me he kinda missed the days when we were together. They were happy days, he said. Why? Isn't he happy now? I asked, but there was no clear answer. Boys answer questions that way when in denial, I know. But whether or not he is happy, the thought of him trying to contact me every now and then bothers me a lot. This is the reason why every relationship, if meant not to last, must be, at least, provided with a proper closure. Otherwise, there will be no peace of mind in both parties.

Closure. If I would wish for closure, I should start it within myself. Now, how would I provide closure to the only memories I have of college that bring smiles on my face? "Right," said I, "We were happy then." Stupid Katie! It would have probably showed some signs that I miss him! But I do miss him. Even as I plunge to leisure and pleasure here in the States, I could not get him out of my mind since he called me.

But he IS happy. He has his own life now. He has a family. He has a cute kid. A loving wife. A nice profession in the field of medicine... It's all that he wished for when we were together. Yes, he told me that it would be best if we were together when those dreams do come true, but that was the past. He has all that he wishes for now, so why still think about me. I have my own life, too! I have my mom with me, my dad, Garfield (my golden retriever). I've always wanted to be seen on TV, and that, too, came true. I've always wanted to be an officegirl someday, and that came true, too. Without him, that is.

And so, why am I even writing these grievances? Except for being a Filipino citizen in this era of political/economic turmoil, I should be happy with what I have right now. I have proven that I could go on without him. But why am I still thinking of what-should-have-beens and what-could-have-happeneds? Why do I miss him? Do I still love him? I don't. I hate him... but why do I miss those days, too?

I just hate sleepless nights.

California. Hot place, hot people. Not a bad location where I could have my "indefinite" vacation. (By "indefinite", I mean- I don't know when I'm going back home!) Why am I here? My mom got sick... well, sort of. You know how mothers would do anything to satisfy the feeling of missing their children. I wasn't really that surprised when I saw her in the big Los Angeles airport waving her healthy hands, jumping as if she won the lottery, showing her healthy smile. Yup. She's not sick. She just misses her only daughter. Awww.... to think I left my job, my paperwork, my supposed career as a cartoonist... hay naku.

A week has passed and, as usual, my fifth visit to the land of milk and honey was commenced with a series of mallhopping and frantic shopping. I didn't actually brought along a considerable amount of wardrobe because I knew my mom would finance that particular need. She just loves dressing me up since my childhood days. I love it when she loves dressing me up. We're actually fashion buddies. Good thing she still knows how to stay fit amidst cold weather during winter, where the urge to gluttony is really enormous, or so Filipinos say...

I miss work. I miss my brothers and sissies there. I miss the kakulitan. I miss those sticky stare from the hungry guys on second floor. I miss boss Sarah, and the sleepless nights we spend for work and The Sims. I miss my email friends. I miss Lyndon Gregorio's comicstrips. I miss a lot of things... although I do DON'T miss a lot of things, too: Ping Lacson, traffic jam in Makati, the Philippine entertainment industry, politics, graft and corruption, the endless whining of the poor, government scum,... ah. This is life...

I think I will be home for the 2004 elections. I should be. Only after four years do I have this chance to tell the world that the candidates I choose are those who should lead the country. My vote counts even as it is part of the minority- the intelligent minority. Who am I going to vote for president in 2004? I still have to study the candidates. That's the wisest thing to do if you're a Filipino who wants a better life in his God-forsaken country. Now that Schwarzenegger won here in California, I heard actors and actresses were cheering for his victory. Screw them! Why the need to celebrate? Because they see this as new opportunities for most of them who are unqualified for their desired positions? Hah! If they want another Edsa Revolution, they got it. If Erap is never a lesson enough to make them realize the mistake of the whole nation, then let them run, and let's see if the dictum "History repeats itself" is true. (Let me make this clear: I am not against artists who run for political positions. However, I abhor those who run for the positions not for qualification, but for popularity only. They are not Filipinos. They are scumbags of the Universe!)

Who am I going to vote for president in 2004 again? The lesser evil, I guess. Anyway, there's no clean name left in high-profile Philippine politics nowadays. Thanks to brave people like Ping Lacson, who seems to see every corrupt deed, to feel every occurence of graft, to hear every bit of anomaly and to know every case of rotteness in the government... except his own, of course. (I saw his political ad "Huwag Matakot, Stop Kurakot." The nerve. These people like Lacson have no pieces of conscience and honesty left in them. Pity the country which they run.) I remember that entry in the Bible: "Cast the first stone..." something something.

As for now, I love being with my mom. She cooks the best langonisa. Better than the good-tasting Pampanga langonisa at home. (Her secret ingredient: sugar.) That is reason enough to stay here with her for today. More to come later.