To John, my dearest friend...

Today I woke up in a differently shaded world. I opened my eyes and thoughts were flowing relentlessly. It's been a long time since this happened. A year, to be exact. I realized that it's been a long time since the inspiration to write straight from the heart came to me. Today really is different.

Maybe it's because of what happened yesterday. Indeed, yesterday is a precious jewel I wouldn't exchange for anything. It's a treasure that is so hard to find these days. In the days to come, if there will come reasons to feel blue or rotten, I would surely let memories of yesterday filled with songs, true friendship and pure sincerity fill the space caused by life's real miseries, I'm sure a smile will find it's way somehow. I'd surely be convinced again that the world is really not that tragic, not that rude, not that ironic. And life will be fine again. That's the magic and gift of yesterday.

I'm not sure if my absence the day after would do anything good or bad for both of us. I think it's an opportune moment, at least for me, to think over and write some things that were left unsaid last night (or this morning) so that tomorrow, when you see me beside you once again, every uncertainty would already be as clear as day, hopefully. Besides, this writer can only open his heart fully through written words.

So what was left unsaid last night? Many things, actually. The trip to your place was not enough to cover thoughts that were running through my head, and probably yours, as well. This will... hmm... more or less cover questions that probably are in your mind right now.

Have I really fallen again? Am I really in denial? I would say no, crossing my heart and hoping to die candidly. Seriously, I don't suppose God lets two people meet for bad reasons, and I know He would not let anything devastating happen for an evil purpose.

Yesterday was like a big wake-up call. There's almost 10 years of history to it. This life has been filled with regrets and goodbyes- I've been and lived in various places, spent so many memorable times with people I learned to love and live life with daily, only to find myself one day that I am alone again, with regrets that I have not affected the ones that I've grown with in quite a short time. There are a few who stayed, but most of them left a wide empty space in me that I always wish I would have filled somehow. Yes, that includes my Elmo. I thought almost a month of bliss with him would answer the greatest riddle in my mind and heart. I never really prepared for goodbye, because I never wanted to. Our story never really ended and you know this. Goodbyes are supposed to happen swiftly. If it kills, it should end life without pain. But it's not supposed to be that way- life is cruel. Yup, our goodbye was a very long one. Painful each day, with no escape. The recent months were proof that it did a bigger hole in my soul, moulded with only a few memories of happiness.

The Katie that you came to know was consumed in and by darkness- someone who was almost convinced that life is but a series of beatings till your soul wears out and withers away. You always tell me to see the happy elements of life, but to a woman who was like drugged with life's poisons, happy elements were just temporary. (Funny, I remember you telling me almost the exact same thing once.) You live the daily routine. You go through life's task and lose a day without minding it at all. The writer's Carpe diem was just meaningless.

The happy yesterday could have been just another drug for the next shadowy days. But like I said, I woke up in a differently shaded world today. It does not feel I've fallen, John. As a matter of fact, it feels like being resuscitated from having been fallen. I find myself writing again, John, filled with ideas that left me a long time ago. Yes, the colors that my Elmo took came back, they're home at last. You just don't know how overwhelming that is to me.

It's such a sweet irony that I met someone who shares almost the same fate in my darkest moments. Two people who can't see in the shadows ought to hold hands and guide each other to light, even if light itself may be too far to reach. I believe this is our purpose. Eversince I came to know you more than anyone else do, I have made a pledge that I will be there the day this man would either break or live through having loved someone whom he can't. Sometimes I see you breaking to tears, and I see myself in you a year ago whenever that happens. I do not want anyone living living through that horrible suffering because I know it's hell. This is why I choose to be close to you whenever it happens- hoping to lighten up the burden even for a bit. Your love for your special someone is divine, and I know throwing that away is as severe as turning your back against faith itself. It almost destroys the foundations of your soul, until you find life wilting, which should not be. Having you in my life is a proof to it's contrary, and I wish you'd find proof for yourself later on- may or may it not be from me.

Someday, you'll wake up in a world complete with colors, John. Come what may :-), I hope to be there when that day comes, at least to see the eternal smile that everyone's searching for.

To the question "Has Katie fallen?" No. Truth is, you found a girl who had already fallen. But I'm learning to stand now. It's all thanks to the wonderful you.

Hugs and kisses.