screw the status quo. we need change and we need it now. we need not a leader who plays with words and public funds. we need not a leader whose years of service fall under the 'fiction' category. we definitely need not a leader who knows nothing. we require a leader who has conviction, who has the guts to change the seemingly unchangeable. we need... to prepare for 2007. Now.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Sadness reigns

It's true that finding out your dreams have come to an end even before it's realization means only one thing- endless hurting.

From now on, my unconditional affection for him is considered a sin, an act that will not be allowed in the eyes of God and men. The thought that even God would now disapprove of something that I have been holding on for the longest time haunts and hurts to the deepest reaches of my soul.

That's how it feels when you learn that you've dedicated more than everything that you are and you will be to someone with whom you are not really destined to be with after all. The future becomes uncertain. It's like tomorrow is just pitch black. The drive to live is somehow severely weakened. You can't go out, you can't move. You cease to hear or see anything, because you don't want to- everywhere you see blurred memories of being loved and happy. Then, as these memories fade, you feel helplessly alone.

Elmo is going away. For good. Although this is the end that I knew would come even before we first separated, I never noticed that it would be so soon. Perhaps I was hoping that this end wouldn't come at all, although inevitable. Perhaps this is how fools are. Hoping for the inevitable's opposite. I am a fool, and perhaps I will be in the next years to come. I knew time would come that I would have to move on. Move on without him. Move on by letting go of him. Move on knowing that we traverse separated paths now. The hurting is tearing me apart as days go by.

Forget about him and move on. This is what most of my friends would say. I understand how easy for them to tell me that: They don't know much about Elmo and I. Fact is, only a handful of people knows about us being "us". It was a love story that never really started, and never really ended until recently.

He was just a close friend singing on stage with his band/barkada one fun night in 1997 in UP's Narra dorm. I was just a fan (and the band's only groupie) cheering for him on his first attempt to perform in front of a live audience. Holding his lyrics sheets, I was lypsynching the lines for him, as he looks down to me from the stage, worried that he might forget his line, but confident since he knew I was there as his living cue card.

"Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write,
Of course I don't have the time,
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die..."

It would have lasted as a great love story. It would have ended happily.

The memory of those teasing eyes staring at me continues to clutch my hurting soul in moments of stolen silence till now, and for the rest of my life.

It's quite ironic that Elmo's going away for good on the 11th of June... the next day would be Independence Day... unwanted freedom.


Blogger AKILEZ said...

Sorry to hear that Katie,

Kuwentong Pag-ibig:

I had a relationship for 15 years, I thought I was gonna Marry Her but We found out that We are not meant for each other. I was 25 she was 23. We decided to end our relationship and I left for USA.

I learned my lesson, That it is easy to fall in love but Knowing your partner will take a life time.

Don't worry Katie you are good writer and blogger. You find your knitch around the corner. Elmo will still be around.


12:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Move on....the guy is married...I'm not sure why you're still on it..

8:41 AM

Blogger GeeDot said...


Is that song by "Everything But the Girl"?

Sorry to hear that you're hurtin. I hope that you bounce back and start feeling better soon.

8:22 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are not alone when it comes to lost loves.

it hurts like hell, feels like the world is crumbling down on you, being torn apart at the seams, been there done that.

but cherish the moments that you spent together. remember the times that you felt joy, remember how it felt, remember how it made you feel - and know that it can happen again, it may not be him, but it may be in the arms of another.

know that love is not a once-in-a-lifetime affair. it can happen again. as the old song goes "fairy tales can come true, it could happen to you". don't give up on your fairy tale, you will have your happy ending.

don't give up, it's not the end but only the beginning. cry if you must, be hurt if you must but know that love is in the corner just waiting to be found. only if you let yourself be unbound.

unbound by the hurt, the sorrow of the loss.

it can happen again you will smile again, there are a million elmo's out there waiting to love you, and be loved by you, if you give it a chance.

and life would be beautiful once again.

know this... that it can happen again.

5:40 PM


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