screw the status quo. we need change and we need it now. we need not a leader who plays with words and public funds. we need not a leader whose years of service fall under the 'fiction' category. we definitely need not a leader who knows nothing. we require a leader who has conviction, who has the guts to change the seemingly unchangeable. we need... to prepare for 2007. Now.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

I used to be your girl. I used to be your number one fan. I still am. A die-hard fan. You used to delight me whenever I hear you sing your heart out on stage. I always am amazed by the way you stared at me, as if you can almost single me out from the audience- as if I am the only one there for a moment. I'd love to hear your voice every once in a while. Even a whisper of your soft melody touches my soul, giving it the ability to fly. You amaze me in a thousand and one more ways possible. I don't know why. You used to say hello whenever I pass by. I used to return a simple smile, holding deep inside the immense excitement just by seeing you around, as you single me out from a hundred more creatures passing by. I used to cherish those moments. I cherish them still.

Now that, indeed, you are not far from my reach, I am blessed. I don't feel far away anymore. One by one, you fulfilled dreams I thought I'd never have in this lifetime. You witfully gave them all to me, swiftly with a touch only from you shall I receive. Now that I found you again, the world returned to it's usual colors, colors that I have missed so much. Although your absence cause much more wanting to be with you now, more than ever, I am glad we've met again. I never thought I missed you that bad, because realized now, I still do.

I love you, Ely. And I'm sorry I'm such a fool not to tell you about this. For years, I've been keeping this, and I gained no guts to let you know about this. I just don't know how I'd take rejection if it comes slapping my face till it hurts.

I know you know that whenever I look at you, there is something different. I know you know, because you don't seem to be bothered by it. I know you already know eversince we last met- I am a failure when it comes to keeping whatever is in me that is supposed to be kept as a secret. Anyway, I admit I lost. You won. You caught me defenseless. I was careless. Still, you don't seem bothered by it. Why?

Now that I have showed up after years of solitude, questions arise: Am I doing well in your eyes? Am I now worthy of your attention? Of your love? Worthy to hold you in my arms? To share the same world with you? To stare at you while we ignore time and space? Make love with you? Am I worthy to be with you? To love you? To want you? To give you everything that I possess? To share with you the dearest of what I have? To make you realize that it was only you who give spice to the boredome that is my life? To tell you of these well-kept secrets?

Do you think of me now? Do I even pass by whenever you dream? Do you look forward to seeing me again? Are you glad that I went by? Are you glad to see me after all these years? Do you ever miss me? Do you ever think of all those years when we should have been together? Do you ever wish that somehow, I should have had the guts to tell you how I felt years ago for you? Have you thought of how the years that passed by could have been? Do you ever think that I truly think of all these every now and then?

Now that I finally have the chance to say goodbye, the thought of me losing you at last haunts me. When I think of you, I know how much you mean to me, yet I find myself lost. I can't lose you but I must. I miss you, though I shouldn't. I love you, yet I can't. I want to be with you now, yet I don't have the means. I have the will, yet I have no reason. You bring me pain and happiness at the same time. You are my contradiction. My sweet dilemma.

I've never been so confused in my life. I've never been so sure about what to do the next hour, the next day, the next who-knows-when. I walk everyday with only you in my mind, and the should-have-beens if we were really meant to be together. I can't shake you off my mind. I can't take you off my life. I can't believe that three hours could cause such damage and bliss at the same time. That is how you are to me. Mystery.

It wouldn't be this much bothersome if you didn't hold my hand before we parted. This wouldn't be if we didn't meet at all. I was alone a couple of days ago, and I seemed contented witht that kind of soltitude. Still, I went restless, looking for something lacking in me. And by finding you who completes me, returning to the usual reality just isn't much of a soltitude anymore. My wanting to see you again, to touch you again, to be held in you arms again... it is killing me.

So hear me, Ely! Hear me! Before I bid farewell to everything precious in my heart that you hold in possession, let me tell just tell you: I love you. I love you so much. And God knows I searched for you in places I knew you'd be, but you were never there.I still think of you. Even though there's a feeling of comfort in every day that passes, I fear that it just says that I'm beginning to live through it, instead of getting over it... or getting over you. U.P. is still here in my heart, and I'm beginning to find out that you've been standing there eversince. Five long years that thoughts of you coming and passing by my mind was kept deep inside, ignored, not thrown away. Somehow, thoughts of you, memories of being with you, kahit sandali lang, were not erased, forgotten, taken for granted. They were cherished... subconciously. And I never knew how much you mean to me until our eyes met for the last time, until you held my hand once again, just recently.

I find myself there, in the tambayan, standing again, waiting another longest wait done in my life. Waiting for you. I've been waiting after you left without my knowing. Crying. Hoping for your return. You left me, and I wept till the day the sun shined upon my face for the very first time, when I found somebody else to fill my weary heart. But the unsatisfied gipsy will always long for the star that used to guide her fantasies. She returns to the night. She will always miss the nights when she loved the sky, as I miss the nights being with you, missing you, staring at your sleepy eyes, blaming you for my weariness, even if it happens only in the depth of my fantasies, in the throne of my endless dreams, in the bitterness of your absence.

I thought I'd finally say goodbye. But upon finding you, I realize that I have lost you for eternity. Tonight I reminisce the day you once left me alone in that place, the day when I began searching for you, the day I failed in finding you. Tonight, I realized I'll never ever be able to forget you. You'd probably be haunting my thoughts, my mind, my dreams, my future... but if in that way, I could keep you in me, so be it.


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